The Nerdiest Naruto Fanfic Ever
by recodan
Summary: I feel ashamed of writing this, but I had too.


" Why do we have to go to sensei's house?" asked Naruto, walking down the street with Sakura and Sasuke.

" He wouldn't say." said Sakura, racking her brain for a reason that they would be training at an apartment rather than a training field. " Kaka-sensei kept being vague."

" I bet it's stupid." said Sasuke with a sigh. _More time I could spend thinking about killing Itachi wasted. I'll have to do a double shift of anger and loathing tonight._

" I think this is it." said Sakura, coming to a halt.

"…"

" This is his favorite porn store, Sakura." said Naruto, looking to the girl in confusion.

" I meant that." said Sakura angrily, pointing to stairs. " He lives on the second floor."

_He lives above the porn store? Man, he is a perv!_ thought Naruto as the genin walked up the dark stairs to a door. Sakura knocked several times and was quickly answered by Kakashi. He was grinning widely as he welcomed them in.

" So what are we going to do?" asked Naruto impatiently as he looked around. The small, cluttered apartment was filled with orange Icha Icha books and clutter, save for a table with small stack of musty old books and papers that looked like it had been recently cleaned.

" We're going to play a game." said Kakashi, taking a seat at the table and unfolding a piece of cardboard covered in charts, which he put in front of himself like a screen.

" What?" said Sakura angrily. " A game? We could be training!"

" If you guy's sit though it, I'll take off my mask."

A instant later, the genin were seated and listening intently.

" What kind of game?" asked Naruto, forcing enthisasm.

" Oh, just a old thing I used to play with my friends back in the academy." said Kakashi, picking up one of the dusty books and brushing the dust off. He held it up for them to see.

_No….no no no! I'd rather kiss Lee!_ thought Sakura.

_Oh god….Itachi was always playing that with his weird buddies._ thought Sasuke, cringing.

_Kaka-sensei is….a nerd? _thought Naruto, confused.

Kakashi was holding up a Dungeons and Dragons Manual.

" So, we'll start by rolling up characters…" Kakashi trailed of as he handed each of his stunned students a handful of strange dice.

" No way." said Sakura, pushing back from the table.

" But we get to see under his mask!" said Naruto, trying to make her stay.

" It's not worth it." said Sakura, shuddering. " What if Ino found out?"

" Asuma made his team play already." said Kakashi, handing them character sheets. " He, Kurenai, and Guy were in my old group. Kurenai usualy ran, but I can do a decent job too."

" Ino…had to too?" said Sakura, mulling it over. _Well, she won't have any leverage then._ " Fine." said the pink haired girl, taking a seat.

" Okay! First, we roll for your ability scores!" said Kakashi cheerfully.

" What are those?" asked Naruto.

" Things like Strength and Intelligence." said Kakashi, pointing at the character sheets. " The higher, the better. 18's are as good as it gets."

" In real life, I must have all 18's then!" said Naruto smugly.

" I think your intelligence is more like a zero." said Sakura under her breath.

After rolling, the genin each had…ability scores. Whatever they were.

" So, now that you have those, you need to pick a class. It's like your specialty. If you have a high strength, go for a melee class like Fighter or Paladin."

" Paladin?" asked Sasuke.

" A holy warrior that seeks to defeat evil." said Kakashi.

_Itachi is evil….so that fits._ thought Sasuke.

" I'll be a paladin." said Sasuke, looking though the book.

" What should I be, Kaka-sensei?" asked Naruto. Kakashi looked at the sheet.

_Of course, Naruto would roll a high intelligence and wisdom._ thought Kakashi.

" You'll have to be a wizard." said Kakashi, returning the paper.

" What's that?" asked Naruto interestedly.

" A really smart person who uses magic to fight. Kinda like using jutsu." replied Kakashi. Sakura and Sasuke rolled their eyes in anticipation of Naruto pretending to be smart.

" Awesome!" said Naruto, beginning to scribble things down on the sheet.

" How about me, sensei?" asked Sakura, hand her sheet to the jounin. Kakashi looked at it for only a second before returning it.

" You have a high charisma and dexterity, so your going to play a ranger." said Kakashi.

" A what?" asked Sakura, not understanding.

" A archer who knows how to survive in the wilderness."

" Oh! I can do that!" said Sakua, writing it on her character sheet.

----

" So, not that were done, let's introduce our characters." said Kakashi as Naruto finished selecting the pewter minature to serve as his wizard (which had a orange cloak.)

" I'll go first!" said Sakura, sounding proud. " I'm playing a elven ranger name Rosa Moonshadow! She's really good with a bow and can fight with two weapons at once. I bought her a magic dagger that does extra damage to giants. I'm really good at stealth and tracking things too. What did you make, Sasuke-kun?"

" A paladin." said Sasuke, smirking. " I named him Weasel Killer."

_That's…only sorta dumb._ thought Kakashi as a bead of sweat rolled down the side of his face. He could still remember the gnome barbarian that Guy had played for a few months.

" Me next!" said Naruto, cutting Sasuke off. " I am playing the great and powerful and wise wizard Ramen!"

"…."

" You named him ramen?" asked Sasuke in disbelief.

" Yeah!" said Naruto cheerfully.

_Guy still has him beat with Pickles the Dragon Slaying Dwarf._ thought Kakashi, adding Ramen the Wizard to his List of Dumb Names.

" Okayyyy then, let's begin." said Kakashi, drawing their attention. " Your all outside a tavern at night."

" I cast magic missile." said Naruto, looking though his spells.

" Naruto, there's nobody around." said Kakashi with a sigh. _If he attacks the darkness, I sweat to god, Chidori to the face._

" Oh…uh, I attack Weasel Killer!" said Naruto with a laugh.

" We're supposed to work together!" said Sasuke angrily.

" Who cares? Your going down Sasuke!" said Naruto, grinning evilly.

-----

" Okay," sighed Kakashi. " Weasel Killer the Fifth manages to ignore the pain from the three arrows in him and stab Ramen the Really Really Vengeful in the gut, dealing five damage."

" Dammit! I died!" whined Naruto. " Wizards don't have enough hit points!"

" Finally!" said Sasuke with a sigh. " Now for the new elf girl." he said , turning to Sakura with a scowl.

" I'm just playing my character!" said Sakura, annoyed. " She saw you suddenly try to kill that guy! She'd try to stop you!"

" Screw playing your character!" yelled Sasuke. " Just stop killing Weasel Killer!"

" Ramen the Super-Vengeful is ready!" said Naruto with a snarl. Behind him a team of clones was churning out more character sheets for him.

_Just like the old days._ thought Kakashi.

----

" Finally." said Sasuke grouchily. " We finally got to the damn dungeon."

" He had a point." said Naruto, scowling at Sakura. " It took us a extra two hours thanks to your bad rolls!"

" You touched my dice!" said Sakura angrily. " You made them unlucky! Don't touch other peopled dice!"

----

" On the far side of the room, in the wall, is a skull with it's mouth open." narrated Kakashi.

" Weasel Killer the Ninth will use Detect Evil." said Sasuke.

" You don't sense anything nearby." said Kakashi. " But you notice there's a gem in the skulls mouth."

" Score! Ramen goes and grabs it!"

" Naruto!" said Sakura, but it was too late.

" As you reach for it, the skull bites down, cutting off your hand. You take 3 damage as well."

----

" Sweet! I time to go up a level!" said Naruto, checking his experience total.

" Down." said Sakura. They had just found the stairs to the next floor of the Tomb of Horrible Death.

" Down?" asked Naruto. " I thought we were going up?"

" If we go down, we get to fight more monsters." said Sakura in frusteration.

" But if we go up, I get new spells!"

Sasuke sighed. _This is the third time these idiots have had this conversation._

----

" Kill it quick!" Naruto pleaded.

" I'm fighting off a troll, Naruto! Have Ramen kill it!" said Sasuke angrily. _Weasel Killers the Tenth's hp is really low. This is bad._

" It's a dark elf! It has spell resistance!" said Naruto.

" Then use your dagger!" said Sasuke. " Kaka-sensei, I fire another flaming arrow at the troll attacking Sasuke."

" Roll to hit."

" Dammit. Another 1." said Sakura as the dice skidded to a halt.

" Ohh, bad luck." said Kakashi with a evil grin. " Your shot goes wild and hits…." he paused as he rolled.

" Ramen the Wizard! Ramen takes five damage and is now burning. The dark elf then stabs you for seven more damage."

" Nooo!" cried Naruto, tears streaming down his cheeks.

" It's your turn, Naruto." said Kakashi.

" I'm casting fireball!" said Naruto quickly, picking up the dice and rolling.

" Naruto, were in a fifteen foot room!" shouted Sasuke.

" And…?" asked Naruto, not understanding.

" Fireball effects everything in twenty feet." said Kakashi evilly. Naruto gulped as Sasuke and Sakura glowered at him.

----

" She still won't talk?" said Sasuke in disbelief. " Fine! I have Weasel Killer tighten the thumbscrews!"

" Sasuke, she's a ninty year old washer woman! Torturing her isn't something your character would do!" whined Sakura. " Plus, she doesn't know were the Eye of Vecna is!"

" Bull crap!" said Naruto. " That old guy knew were to find the Lyre of Hound Slaying! This lady knows where the Eye is! Ramen's going to help Weasel Killer."

----

" In the box you find a small deck of ivory cards. The top one says that you must choose how many you want to draw. Half of the cards have good effects, half bad." said Kakashi, smirking. He loved Decks of Many Things.

" I'm drawing five!" cheered Naruto.

" Two." said Sasuke flatly.

" Am I still unconscious?" asked Sakura.

" Yep." said Kakashi, rolling for Naruto's first card. " Naruto, you draw a card with a picture of a skeleton. Beside's you, death appears. He grabs your arm and the tow of you dissapear. You die."

" No fair!" whined Naruto.

" Sasuke, you get…" said Kakashi, rolling. " The Castle. You get a medium sized castle anywhere you want. Your net card is….the Sun. You gain fifty thousand experience."

" Kaka-sensei!" said Naruto angrily." That's not fair!"

" Nauruto, do I have to remind you?" said Kakashi dangerously.

" No, no." said Naruto, sitting down. " The GM is always right. Cruel, Evil, and Sadistic, but always right."

----

" Take it back!" said Naruto, punching Sasuke.

" Never!" said the Uchiha defiantly.

" Guys! It's just a game!" said Sakura. " Naruto, he just said Ramen the Wizard is dumb, not that ramen is dumb."

" Oh." said Naruto, blinking. Sasuke took the opportunity to deliver a right hook to Naruto's face.

" I think we should stop for the evening." said Kakashi, surveying his battered genin.

" Awww." said Naruto, slumping into his seat. " Ramen was really close to leveling up again."

" I want to know where the old lady ran to." said Sasuke with a growl. _With the Eye of Vecna, I could defeat Itachi with ease_!

" Well, see you all tomorrow at training ground seven." said Kakashi, ushering them to the door.

" We're training again?" asked Naruto, puzzled.

" Yeah. I got enough nostaigia from today." said Kakashi. " And, since you broke the table, we couldn't play anymore. Bye!"

The genin walked down the steps as Kakashi slammed the door behind them.

" I was so close." said Naruto, sluking. " I needed 3 more XP."

" His mask!" said Sakura suddenly. " He never took it off!"

" No point." said Sasuke in a huff. " There's another mask under it, remember?"

" Oh yeah." said Sakura sourly.

-----

" This is pure gold!" said Tsunade, doubling over in laughter. " We'll be able to put this on the internet right away!"

" I'm not sure this is the best way to make money, Tsunade-sama." said Kurenai with a sigh. " Sure, I'm all for embarrassing our students, but filiming them and putting them on the internet?"

" It'll bring people to our new web page!" said Tsunade with a chuckle.

" Web…page?" asked Guy, still not sure what the Internet was.

" said Tsunade, smiling. " People can now hire us on the net. We just need to ring more views to the page. And this stuff is pretty funny."

" Why didn't you just buy advertisements?" asked Kakashi.

" Because I also wanted something we could lord over the genin." said Tsunade, smiling evilly.

----

" Hey! There they are!" said a kid, pointing and laughing. Naruto blushed deeply, covering his head. Sakura had worn a paper bag over her face and Sasuke was glaring death stares at everyone who passed. Shikamaru had called them last night when the videos of the genin teams playing D&D had appeared on the web page he had to make for Tsunade. They arrive at the training ground to find Kakashi, happy as ever, waiting for them.

" Yo." said Kakashi, waving slightly.

"…."

" You hold. I punch." said Sakura, her eye twitching. Sasuke and Naruto nodded as the genin advanced menacingly on their teacher.


End file.
